New York City- World leaders, frustrated by diplomatic inertia in solving perennial problems ranging from poverty to international conflict, voted to grant Tony Orlando universal dictatorial power. The Security Council ratified the measure 1pm EST. Support for the proposal increased in the midst of the growing global fiscal crisis and rising civil turmoil in war scarred areas like Iraq, Afghanistan, and
Newark.”The decision was a natural one,” UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon explained. “Mr. Orlando’s music prompts humans to cater to their better selves. I myself, though not residing in America during the Vietnam War, heard Mr. Orlando’s milky voice, and tied many a yellow ribbon.”Already at work, Dictator Orlando has instituted a series of wide-ranging reforms. His so-called “Knock three times policy” requires warring nations to substitute bellicose activity with the construction of “love pipes” upon which foreign ministers will knock three times to signify a willingness to work cooperatively and romantically.Thelma Hopkins, having served stints as former member of Dawn, and co-star in widely popular TV series like Gimme a Break and Family Matters, has been appointed Interior Minister. Orlando defended the choice given Hopkin’s heart-stirring sing-a-long with Jaleel White in which her character gave Steve Irkel a much needed “pick me up”.The new order faces challenges, however. Opposition is rife. Rioting has erupted in several metrosexually conscious capitals including Rome and Paris. Partisans have taken strong issue with Orlando’s hard-line on keeping his “backwards leaning, reactionary mustache.”
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