Dow Down Nearly 778 Points Due to the Dow’s historical *778 point drop today, World News Light is temporarily suspending all regular WNL editions to take a crash course in making mud huts and living off the land.As politicians fight it out in Washington, and stockbrokers order triple martinis to calm rattled nerves on Wall Street, the average American citizen should cover her assets. Therefore, until the economy stabilizes, I hope you will find the following
useful.Surviving the Economic Crisis: Mud huts 101.Find some dirt and mix well with water and straw (or dollar bills from unscrupulous CEOs, Fannie Mae, or Freddie Mac, etc.). Allow to dry in the sun.Cut into large bricks.Build hut walls. For the roof, use saplings for the frame and then cover with thatched grass or banana tree leaves–if you have access to banana tree leaves.Stuff cracks in walls with more mud/straw/dollar bill mixture. Spray with thin stream of water to seal.Relax and enjoy your new home.Living off the land– Food 101Plant seeds in ground. Water groundWait for many weeks.While you are waiting, find book on edible plants.Find edible plants.Eat them. Find locusts and grubs.Fry them and eat them.Sharpen piece of wood into sharp point to protect stash of edible plants and insects from unscrupulous CEOs and/or certain politicians.Corn meal mush 101Find dried kernels of corn.Grind them into a coarse corn meal on a rock.Mix the meal with water and cook over open fire.Serve with politicians’ leftover filet mignon from a congressional lunch break.Other survival tips during this economic crisis:Corral all Washington politicians into a pen and tell them, “No grubs, locusts, filet mignon, mush, or a vote for any of you until this economic crisis is sorted out.”Search for unscrupulous CEOs, etc. They will be easy to spot. Just follow the wailing and gnashing of teeth.Strip them of their clothing. Your mud hut will need a door covering and drapes. Tip: Be sure to wash the clothing in a river and beat the clothes on a rock. This will help remove any vermin from the fabric (you never know what these people may be hiding in their clothes).
Economy in Crisis: A World News Light Special Report
World News Light Issue 3: Financial Bailout, Sarah Palin, Chocolate
This Issue: $700 Billion Financial Bailout, Palin, Hot Wind, the Queen, ChocolateWorld News Light is real world news, spun into a light, fluffy pastry with only half the calories of regular news.U.S. News LightWashington D.C. The Financial BailoutTalks surrounding the proposed $700 Billion Bailout flailed, then resumed, then flailed, then resumed, then flailed. Financial bailout dithering seemed to go on forever, said journalists waiting to create award-winning pieces out of the whole mess. Many tired of waiting and went back to poking fun at the presidential candidates and Sarah Palin.”Washington politicians should just fight it out, like they do in British Parliament,” said one exhausted freelance journalist. More U.S. Politics In an interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin defended her earlier comments that Alaska’s proximity to Russia enhances her credentials. Direct quote from that video:Palin: “Well, it certainly does, because our, our next-door neighbors are foreign countries, there in the state that I am the executive of.” Indirect quote: “If blah blah Putin blah blah invades our airspace, where do they go? It’s Alaska. It is just right over the border.” U.K.Even the Queen feels the affects of the poor global economy. Hello! magazine reports rising fuel, food, and repair costs have made running Buckingham Palace extra costly. Palace officials will ask the British government for extra money.Always willing to lend a hand, World News Light reporter offers to visit the palace, if it will help. Special Science Extra*From a NASA Press Release-Sept 23, 2008, “ULYSSES REVEALS GLOBAL SOLAR WIND PLASMA OUTPUT AT 50-YEAR LOW”Data gathered from the Ulysses spacecraft reveals tremendous drop in solar wind plasma. “With the solar wind at an all-time low, there is an excellent chance the heliosphere will diminish in size and strength. If that occurs, more galactic cosmic rays will make it into the inner part of our solar system,” said Scientist Ed Smith.Americans remain unfazed by the news: “Our politicians will emit quite enough hot wind to counter these effects–at least until the election is over.” Health light
World News Light Issue 2: Paris Hilton and Collider Doom
This Issue: Paris Hilton, Doom Delayed, London Fashion Week, Diet Don’ts and MoreWorld News Light is real world news, spun into a light, fluffy pastry with only half the calories of regular news.*Links to the original, calorie-laden news stories are provided at the end of this articleContinental EuropeInsight and/or Doom have been delayed indefinitely as the CERN collider malfunctions. World News Light sources reveal human error as the cause:
”Someone spilled a bottle of Beaujolais and an entire packet of jelly babies into the cataclysmic {sic} converter.” U.K. Officials insist a new time-devouring monster clock at Cambridge is not creepy, despite the fact that, according to the *London Times:”Each new hour is signalled by the rattle of a chain on an unseen coffin to remind passers-by of their mortality.”U.S.A normally placid red-tailed hawk attacked puppeteers in Atlanta. World News Light sources say they believe she (the hawk) thought the puppeteers were making fun of her.Stocks fell dramatically early this week, causing hard liquor sales to skyrocket.JapanA suspicious submarine periscope was spotted off the coast of Japan. The submarine did not identify itself and disappeared before anyone could do anything about it. Officials ignored rumors that the alleged submarine could have been the monster Mothra, in larval form, approaching the shore to fight Godzilla. Health ExtraFreelance writer announces that a weeklong diet of tortilla chips with cheddar quesa, cinnamon atomic fireball candy, and coca cola, causes headache, severe ennui.Entertainment Gossip Extra LightParis Hilton would like everyone to know she is not as dumb as she is portrayed and that she does a lot of work. Also, she would love to move to London. World News Light’s staff psychic reveals it is no surprise to her that Paris Hilton wants to move to London. “What she really wants to do is assist Madonna in overthrowing the queen.” Fashion Light”London Fashion Week was absolutely fabulous,” World News Light special sources reveal. They also noted, “Scary Goth makeup had a huge presence, just in time for Halloween…and the end of the world.”Music
World News Light: Issue 1
This Issue: French and Saunders Tour, Particle Collider, Sarah Palin and MooseWorld News Light is world news, spun into a light fluffy pastry with only half the calories of regular news.Serious NewsU.K.Britain’s lack of sunshine in 2008 said to be critical. Thousands of Britons flee on emergency holiday to sunnier places.U.S. Republican presidential candidate, John McCain, chooses Alaskan moose hunter as his running mate. Thousands of moose flee on emergency holiday.Europe in generalBeneath France and Switzerland, scientists have begun smashing tiny bits together in the hopes of finding the tiny bits responsible for life, and for the best wines, cheeses, and chocolates.North KoreaNorth Korean officials scoffed at reports that Kim Jong-Il is ill. Our maniacal dictator is just fine, they said. A little under the weather, perhaps, but he will be back to taunting the world with nuclear weapons in no time at all. Real FashionModels: Eyewitnesses report that a few runway models at this year’s New York Fashion Week had recently eaten. One witness reports: “We knew right away they had eaten something within the last three days–because some had strength enough to smile.” Designers: “Fall colors are in for this fall season.”Light EntertainmentBritish comedy duo French and Saunders are on their final live tour. The final show of The Still Alive tour 2008 is scheduled for November 8, in London. I caught up with a French and Saunders fan in the U.S.: “I won’t be able to make it to London this year. Money is too tight and I did not know about their tour in time. Britney bloody Spears and Paris buggery Hilton obscured what should have been top news in every paper’s entertainment section. I found out by pure accident when I went to the BBC website. It was only then I learned that two of the world’s best comedians ever are giving their final live tour. Horribly depressing news.”World News Light notes: Sources indicate Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders are not quitting comedy–only the live sketch performances as French and Saunders. AwardsCarmichael’s Award for the News Headline That Made Me Spew My Morning Coffee: